So, as many of you know…I am now 23. Don’t ask me…I don’t feel any different, I
don’t have gray hairs and I unfortunately still have my period.
This morning, like every morning… I walked to work. I walk everyday because my bike is currently
broken and I am too lazy to get it fixed.
40 minutes to school and 40 minutes home. A lot of people here think I am crazy “look
the gringa is walking again”…but walking brings me peace. I have my music, not many people are out,
the sun is rising…and I have 40 minutes to leave all of my negative energy in
the streets. Putting aside the air
contamination, piles of garbage, the occasional homeless man peeing on the wall
and the stray dogs…it’s therapeutic.
During these long walks, I laugh. I laugh out loud. I sometimes feel stupid…but I don’t
care. I smile to myself and I laugh,
laugh, and laugh. I laugh about stupid
things I said when I was drinking, I laugh at my students, I laugh at my life,
I laugh at my own insecurities…I laugh.
I sometimes pretend my body is a car and when I pass people on the
sidewalk I like to mumble “zoooooom.” I laugh.
I am laughing right now thinking about how stupid and weird I must
sound. I entertain myself for 40 minutes each morning and each evening… and I
laugh.
I can’t wipe a smile off of my face. I am 23 and I am happy. I am not just happy in terms of “how are you
today?” happy. I am overwhelmingly
overwhelmed by happiness. A calm has
taken over.
I’ve never been full-filled like this before. I’ll admit it. It has taken me a very long time to achieve
this, feeling…this sensation. Of course
I have had periods of my life where I was happy…but nothing compares to the
completeness that I feel today. I feel
happiness on a different level. There is
happiness in the tears I cry, in the pain that I sometimes feel. A year ago I was really struggling. I was at a low point. I conformed. I conformed socially, emotionally, and I was
easily influenced. I agree that it’s
okay to go with the flow… but it’s not okay to be the flow. I wore clothing
that did not reflect who I was. Christ,
I was wearing Polo and I was shopping at Talbots. Nothing against Talbots, or Polo…but they are
just…not me.
I will never regret who I was. I’m still the same person to everyone else. But inside…my human nucleus-has changed. Why?
Let’s rewind to a few important milestones in year 22.
Graduation. From October to May of last year I finished my
last year in the University. I got a 4.0
GPA for my last two semesters and graduated with honors. I worked at the VT education abroad office,
which opened many doors for many international opportunities, one of them being
the Peace Corps. After being accepted, I was handed a token of bad luck and
experienced for the first time what it was like to take responsibility for “my”
actions. As unjust as my situation was,
there was something to learn and there was definitely no one else to blame but
myself. At the time…my world crumbled. Everything that I saw so clearly turned into
scattered blur again. I cried for a
month straight, I think. If it weren’t for the endless support and comfort from
my parents and my roommates I would have jumped ship, no doubt. I hit rock bottom. But we all have to understand…that life moves
on. You have got to get out of bed. It’s
cruel…but nobody, nothing stops for us. We are alone.
It is a very difficult concept to understand, but it’s real. 1. We are
nothing but a number. If we can’t learn
to help ourselves, we go off the grid.
Independence. After
the painful formalities of graduation, I spent three weeks in Florida and chau,
moved to Chile. I haven’t told this to many people…but I had an out-of-body
experience three years ago while spending a summer in Chile studying Spanish. Standing on a beach in Chiloe, (in the very South of Chile) I changed. I can honestly say there was a moment, a
moment of complete, mind, body and soul, transformation. A type of energy erupted through my veins …
and I matured. I can’t explain it
because no one can explain what happens during these moments. But for the only time in my life…I can say,
at this moment, this one solitary moment, everything I once knew, everything I
understood…became dislodged, and refreshed, it was a new beginning.
So after graduation, I came back. I came back to the culture, to the people
that I enjoyed so much for just one summer.
I’ve been here for almost a year and a half now and I just recently
decided to stay one more year to gain more experience and save my money. I
can’t stand when people say to me “come back to the USA so you can start the
real life.” Excuse me. Last time I checked…I was living a “real”
life. But I get it, I’m not following
the rules: I don’t make a lot of money. I am not doing anything related to my degrees
nor am I studying something new. I am not engaged… I’m 100% single and I chose
my solitude. I don’t want a car. I gave away my IPhone because I hated it. I don’t like football, I actually hate
football and I could care less if VT wins or loses. I only own enough clothes to get through 1
workweek. I live in the present and disregard the future. And I value my
independence over anything else in the world.
Living in the United States I felt so much pressure to
follow societal rules. I respect and
value the rules. I do, I really do. If there weren’t rules, society would be a
mess. However, I think a lot of people
follow the rules because that is what is expected. I chose not to. I create my own rules. I am judged for this. I am doubted because of this. But it makes me stronger. It motivates me to live. Not to let life pass me by…but to live. Be on the offense. Embrace life. Challenge life. Be an individual.
Solitude. There was a time in my life that I couldn’t be
alone. I needed to be surrounded by people,
always. A room full of strangers still
turns me on. I crave it. I love it. The art of a conversation has
always been my forte. However, in this
past year I have learned to enjoy time alone.
I can be with myself for hours. Really,
I find it that you are never alone. My
best friend and worst enemy is my mind.
I constantly question my own perspectives, I have confronted my darkest
of thoughts…and I have taken my mind to really, scary, places. I have learned where I don’t want to
be. And I have learned where I want to
be. We always read articles about being
positive and how positive thoughts lead to positive outcomes. It is 100% correct. There is something positive in everything
that is negative. We just need to
challenge ourselves to find it. It has
always been difficult to keep my balance…but I now know what I need to do. When
I fall down I know what it takes to get back up. I learned how important it is to keep a
healthy mind. I started meditating. In the beginning I did 15 minutes a day. Now I try to do 30 minutes. There is a peace in taking deep breaths. In forgetting everything. Being alone is okay. It’s good, it allows us
to explore our human core and grow.
Love. This past year I
fell in love for the first time. I find that love is the most powerful
sensation there is for humanity. It
consumes us. It eats us alive. It takes over our ability to think, to move,
to breath. Love forces us to break down. Love tore me apart and spun me in
circles. But it’s beautiful. Words are not necessary in the world of
love. With love, we communicate with
silence, deep eye contact, and touch. We memorize the
crevices in their hands, the freckles on their backs…our tiniest details are
exposed. There is no room for insecurity
when we are in love. We are stripped of
that option. We give ourselves to
another person. I lost a small part of
my independence. It was ok. I remember the moment I realized I was in
love. It was simple. Lying on the grass with my head on his chest. I heard his heart beat and we were in
sync. It was powerful. I felt like we were one. It was…an amazing feeling. He taught me how to love. I put everything
aside and let it happen. I know that
everyone has different experiences with love…but I hope that everyone, one day,
can feel what I felt.
Friendship. Bouncing
right off of love. I feel that friendship
is the next best thing that I have gained over the past year. Now, I am not
talking about a typical friendship here.
I am a master at making friends.
I have tons of friends. If you
look at my Facebook, I have over 1000 friends.
I could be a professional friend maker.
But living so far away I have realized who my real friends are in the
USA. There are people that I thought I
would never speak to again and have proven to be better friends then others who
I spent all four years at the university with.
It’s weird how friendships work out.
It has also been a bit of a journey making friends in another country,
in another language. However, recently I
was having a drink with my Chilean friend Pamela, who told me how important I
was to her. She told me about a
discussion she had with her mom:
“Sarah is someone that is gets along with everyone, I can
bring her anywhere. With Sarah, she’s not just a friend that I ‘party’
with. She is someone that I can hang out
with, watch movies with, invite to the house for tea."
It has been really difficult to find girlfriends here in
Chile. As simple of a statement it
was…it meant that I was finally accepted. You don’t typically have conversations like this here.
You just, don’t. I have ‘proven’ myself as a person of trust, morals, and
openness. The basics. I guess I can thank my parents and the
Catholic Church for that. She told me
that she could be herself around me.
Exaggerations, material items…were not necessary. We had built a strong friendship.
I also learned that I can be a bad friend. There are people that have reached out to me
and I have turned them down. I enjoy
disappearing sometimes. I don’t respond
to emails, I refuse to turn on Facebook chat, and I don’t…reciprocate. This is something I hope to change. Friends
are important wherever you are in the world.
Just because I am here doesn’t mean my friends aren’t interested in how
I am, my job or my crazy Friday night out.
It’s important to share. Sharing
is such a fundamental concept…but we sometimes forget how. I have become more selfish. This is true.
There is something to learn everyday. There are always things you can better about
yourself. For example, I am currently
working on my reactions to conflict, getting rid of grudges and my
selfishness. We all have our faults but
in the end of the day I’m a decent person.
I know that this has been a pretty 'deep' blog post haha…but I’ve had a few
days of personal reflection. I hope that
you can all take something from what I have written…or maybe now some of you
will just, understand me better.
One thing though…
You need to ask yourself…are you truly happy? Really dive
into your emotions. Question what you’re
doing. Play your own devil’s advocate. Test yourself. Find your darkness
and front it. We forget to do this…we
are scared to do this…but through my internal journey over the past year I
can’t express how important it is to find total acceptance. Your very own…equilibrium.
On a totally less serious note. The above post is super profound. I know. It was a rainy day and my mind was rolling. There
were about six other themes that I wrote about that I saved for another
day. One of them was my family. I have come to terms that it is important to
find our own type of therapy. For some
it is exercise, others it is laying on the beach with a margarita, and me…I
like to clear my mind through writing.
So, I write. Some of it is
funny…some of it is jumbled up confusion and the rest…well, it is my own
generic thoughts. Today, I wanted clarity.
Like I mentioned, I am doing really well here in
Santiago. I am forcing myself to
participate in, everything, a little more.
I recently decided to stay another year.
The school I work at offered me an indefinite contract. I really didn’t want to stay. I wanted to move on and start a new
adventure. However, my mom made a really
good point. She said that I could have a
new adventure…but in Santiago. She told
me I needed to stop running. It’s okay
to stay put. In the end the school year
is only 9 months. I have always been on
the run. When I feel comfortable, it’s
time to leave. It got me thinking. After summer vacation I am going to change
the house that I live in. I want to move
to the center of the city. A place
called Barrio Brasil. It is an old part
of the city but it has a lot of character.
There are a lot of artists, coffee shops and eccentric bars. I think it
will be a good fit…or at least a nice change.
I am going to start playing the guitar again. I will be getting a larger salary so I will
pay for classes. Instruments are so
universal…they can connect us with anyone, anywhere in the world. I would really like to have this skill to
share with others. I am going to play soccer again. I have been doing a lot of running recently
and I really miss playing soccer. It
will also open up a new network of people.
Anyway, changes.
I am headed back to the USA for a full month in
December. I’ll spend the majority of my
time in Florida. I’ll get to see a lot
of family. I will also be celebrating
NYE in Washington DC with my friends. 10
days in DC will be amazing. After this I
am going to take a month to travel the south of Chile, alone. I don’t want plans or drama. I’ll finish my trip hiking Torres del Paine
in Patagonia.
I wish that I could give you all more about my day-to-day
life here. But I really do not have a
lot of news. I am giving private English
lessons to a man that is good -friends with the Chilean president…I guess
that’s cool! I am celebrating my birthday tonight. Friends are coming over for a few drinks then
we are going out dancing. Monday. I am
starting my summer campaign. Healthy
eating, exercise….bikini season, YIKES!
Thank you, everyone, for the birthday wishes that you sent
me. It was a wonderful day and I have
had a bunch of great moments with special friends. I love and miss everyone and
I hope to hear from some of you that I haven’t heard from in awhile.
I’m done. I’m
mentally drained and I need to go organize my room and take a shower.
Have an easy week.
SOME PHOTOS TO SHARE:
I learned how to dance Chile's national dance. The cueca. Spending time with 'family' and friends.
